Broken

I try so hard. I pay a LOT of money... I go to a trainer 3 times a week, so hopefully I wont be a obese cripple in my old age. Its not easy. I generally am not known as a complainer either..sometimes im mouthy, but im not specifically a complainer unless something is really wrong. And i give so many chances I really do.

The reason i write this...is because my trust is broken. I am broken in many ways...my knees, my moods, my rituals, but at least I had my sense of justice and rightness, and the knowledge that people were listening to me, and I made a difference, to myself and others.

I am broken.

Its hard saying this. I dont like to be broken, I dont want to acknowledge my inablities. I feel that I should keep trying, like trying to communicate to those who dont listen. Its embarrassing to me. It is a weakness I dont like admitting, both to those I know and trust and especially to those I dont know, and dont trust.

I am terrified of weakness, of being exploited. After so many years of feeling emotionally run over (or physically, literally) I feel it my duty to stand up, and to prove it can be done, if not for myself, for my daughter. It just makes it harder when someone you trust or have repeatedly confided in runs you over. Its like being broken all over, being exposed to those you dont know, and dont trust, like being split open for the world to see.

I dont cry. Ok, I do sometimes but I dont like crying for many reasons. One, Ive done enough crying already to fill 2 lifetimes. Two, its weakness I cannot afford to have. three, its a weakness I cant afford for others to see, and or exploit. The last time I cried before yesterday was in January, after my mom went off on me, and my cat was scheduled to be put down, in the same day. I think I actually cried more that month too. The rest of the time has been prefunctory movie eyeball waterings that are not important. I dont cry due to my own feelings. In my world its not allowed.

There are so many words in the English language that are supposed to smooth over/assauge these feelings of sadness, doubt, frustration, and dispair.

Im Sorry
I love you

And yet these words mean nothing really. Words without meaning are context without substance or vice versa.

Some people sling these words around like fries at a burger joint. they are little bits of nothing that have no substance and no value. There merely a placation so that you keep coming back for more. As much as they should be the air and water for the soul, some people use is as something to be bandied about for their own personal utiliation or gain. They dont know the meaning.... they have no right.

I am grateful, so grateful for larry. Its nice not being alone in this world. Its nice knowing someone is listening, at least sometimes. Its the rain poncho against the storm of this world. It may not be much, but its enough, it has to be. Its nice to be able to trust someone, even if he is the only one.

I know when he says things he means it. Even though we may be running out the door, I love you means something. Its small comfort against a much larger world.