Godzilla v. World

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
-Blue October, Hate Me

Sometimes its hard to look back at the wreckage of your life..not that it is always wreckage... However you know at some points you were Godzilla v. a Chihuaua in your smashing and crushing those that were lesser than you emotionally. But ultimately it wasnt Godzilla, there was just a little little being in there...and the bloated exoskeletal shell was all that protected you from people getting in...and seeing ..who you really are..or were.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
- see above..

I live my life. Thankfully I have passed up most of the terrors that have plagued me. My pasts skeletons are either neatly tucked away in totes of the closet of my mind, or theyve deteriorated to the point of non-recognition. And yet sometimes I have to search through those totes. Experience, savor..the pain. I hate myself. I hate myself for the things that I didnt do, and the things I did do. The things I left unsaid..the strength that I lacked at the right time, and the strength that I used at the wrong time.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

I have relived much of my life.. most of the parts of lack of understanding come from my childhood. I know my mother and I have not experienced a close relationship. I *was* a difficult child, mischievious, honery stubborn and headstrong. She had 2 toddlers and a needy child, if not 2. Part of what I believe was her issue with me was timing. My sister and I are months apart. Raina didnt get to experience the comfort of a mother unburdened pregnancy. Raina also was much more pliable than I was... I was unyielding.

I sometimes wonder if somehow, I could have been something I am not... if that would be different.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made