reality bites

I am a middle aged overweight Mom.

Thats who I am now.

I looked in the mirror today while desperately trying to get ready to meet friends at Disneyland.

I am old. I am fat.

I imagine like some women here in the OC I could have major work done. I dont want major. I just want reasonable....and not work done mind you. I want my body to be reasonable with me. Ive worked out with a trainer for over a year now. A YEAR... and Im not really much better off so far. I guess the last 2-3 weeks have been better as we focus more, But as I tried to squeeze into my jeans ( I have very few pairs that arent too big or like these...a little on the small side) I thought.. I did this when I was a teenager... and back then, I didnt have the stupid lumpy rolley things.

I feel childish. What was I thinking?? Who am I kidding to think I can get back to something that is long lost? A metabolism that is pre-baby? a Body that doesnt have a post child GUT? I never had a gut before this... Im not saying I didnt have something..but the whole apple body thing I was not.

I cannot recapture what I have lost. It is gone. I might as well live with my life of meds and pain and loss.

The chatter monkeys are busy again in my head. Maybe they're triggered by my Mom, or who knows, by an event??

Mom just emailed to say it was Grandma J's ninetieth bday. Were invited to come up. but not encouraged...or is it the other way around. Moms instructions are always left up to interpretation, and mind you...if I do the wrong thing, I'm unforgiven. Not that I'm not anyway. its a perpetual state for me. Im sure if I went up it would be a good thing, especially given that half of my family cannot recognize my husband and/or my daughter. I dont think thats particularly our fault, or perhaps it is. I am sure that its my fault SOMEHOW. I should be used to it by now.

Oh I know what has set me off into this fam-rant. My friend Kim is down here and her Mom and her are not getting a long. or rather her mom her and her husband are not getting along, and then her and her husband are not getting along due to their flakey 14 year old... and then and then.. oh and she has 2 other kids, and her brother around. I think I am delaying today so I dont have to see them.

So do I run my errands today? or do I run out and see them and be the recipient of the bitchfest family rant for another family.

They have been very nice to us and paid for our expensive dinner out on Wednesday, which I WISH they had not. Its really uncomfortable when that happens...besides, its Larry and my Anniversary. We chose the location, food etc. they shouldn't have had to be bound to it.

Ugh.

I guess I better get going one way or another. Im not getting any fresher. Time is expiring on my life timer and I should do something about it.