My life with Husband and kid....

MIgration time.

2007-11-02T13:56:00.000-07:00

I am moving my blog to Wordpress.com

more details to follow as I get it all done, but basically I couldnt group and list and post pics quite like I wanted to. Wordpress is much more saavy for the blogger types but that mostly means for me that theres a learning curve. I will keep bloggin here on a onesie twosie basis, however I gots to get the new one rollin.

W

things to remember

2007-11-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

I took Alyssa to Disneyland in my spare time yesterday. I had a day off as a comp day for working last weekend.

She loves it of course but theres so much to do and see and theres so much background on everything. Who knew that wed have to watch every stinkin disney video on the library to get her prepped properly.

We dont have a lot of the movies like Beauty and the Beast and Pocohantas and sleeping beauty. Luckily i picked up a Mulan at Costco the other day, it seemed to be one of a few left. I think theyve stopped selling them otherwise.

Anyway. Alyssa had a BLAST yesterday. I had a great time too. I enjoy these times. I wish it could always be that nice.

just when you think its safe

2007-10-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

So.

I didnt get paged all night...which is good because I Had a hard time sleeping and then Alyssa woke up etc... Shes been getting up around 7 in the am too, which is not what I want to do on a weekend.

Luckily i have the donut pacifier for her. Shes been getting a raging cold or allergy attack so i feel for her, but theres not much i can do except hold the tissues and tell her to blow. Oh that candy, donuts and hamburgers...yup shootin for that award again.

So I was just thinkin this AM that its not so bad having Alyssa all weekend and I can handle this..and BAM the cellphone starts going off. Damn my head. Damn my thoughts.

So theres a P1 Sev1 in the box awaiting my assistance. I get the page and the call and tell them Ill be right there. I set Alyssa up with Cowgirl Dora and get on the computer...and ...its not my issue. Thank GAAAAAAWD. I call and page the other party and put it in their box after calling the customer to verify its not my issue.

oh speaking of downers...Im down. 9.5 lbs since 3.5 weeks ago. Orlistat helps although it makes you not want to eat because you just blow everything out your @ss.

Thats it for now. I get to pick up Larry at the airport tomorrow at 8:30- assuming his flight isnt late or anything.

Does anyone really know how to do this Chit?

2007-10-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

So Im oncall this weekend.

Of course it sucks but its only like 4 weekends out of the year and you get comp days and scant monetary pay for it so ... its not so bad. At my last job you didnt get chit for pay AND there was no such thing as time off. They called you whenever, or shall I say my previous boss called whenever. He actually called on his way home from work one day and admitted he was harrassing me about work because he was bored and his boss did the same. Um. You ever heard of time off/personal time? He said I should know that its part of the job. Gee.. its part of the job to deal with a narcissitic dumbass who thinks he knows it all. Thats the worst kind. Anyway, I digress.

So Ive been on the phone quite a bit today and the issue at hand is that really nobody knows what were doing. The partner that was doing this work (and is SUPPOSED to do this work) went to the hospital ..sick. Yikes..ok soooo uhhhhhh. yea.

the company has not provided someone who actually knows how to do this in their stead. the Person presented...doesnt know. Well what the F?? Is that our problem? We deal with integrity based issues. Not personnel/work ethic issues. Besides, because we deal with integrity based issues.. nobody has done this before.

Great.

I feel like a total @ss because my coworker seems to be the only one who has done this before and hes not supposed to be dealing with this much this weekend.

have I mentioned I feel like an @ss. Yea. Im there.

On top of that, my trainer let me know some deal I thought was happening wasnt really happening so basically forgeddaboutit. Disappointing and depressing. I mean why the hell bust your @ss for 8 weeks for nothing. Why not stretch it out over 12 weeks or 18. I just am less than motivated to complete anything within a "timeframe" Why should I work on someone elses time schedule. Whatever. Im over it.

I tried to explain that Im disappointed to him without him getting angry or defensive, just that , yea its something im going to need to get over but that went over like a fart in an elevator. Remind me sometime not to divulge my feelings to others. It just creates messes that dont go away.

Speaking of messes I let the peeps on the phone today (for work) know what the process was. They were markedly peeeeeesed with me. I wonder if theyll have the cajones to call me tomorrow. Oh well - F em if they cannot follow the process. its there for a reason.

And one more mess.. Im solo parenting this weekend. Sooo im already stocked with cookies and donuts. Parent of the year award, here I come...OH and I bribed with a book purchase today - YeeeeeeeHAAAAAAA.

Well thats it for now. Im hopin sleep will actually provide some rest, because if they call from their time zone, well they are 5 hours ahead. :-/

Ponderings...

2007-10-26T12:25:00.001-07:00

So.

I wonder how this happens...or if I am just difficult to get a long with.

Heres the issue.

I have few friends...theyre lifetime friends but most people I know and/or get along with arent lifers. Those few that span past the decade mark are my compadres..people who "get me" or at least pretend very well.

so again delving into my issue.

I dont get along with a lot of people. A lot of family people, non family people... I dont think I actively dislike them as much as I dont associate with them on a regular basis..or vice versa. And when its the vice versa part, I wonder, is it me, or is it...the preverbial "us". In cases of family (I seem to be drifting apart from my maternal line) I worry that this particular barrier will result in my daughter not knowing/seeing her grandparent/Aunt(s)/great Aunt and various others that are part of the family but estranged from my fathers side. (Dont get me wrong- Dad's side of the fam is whacked out in places too...but we "get" each other... call it the Engineer mentality. Call it Mental...I dont care.

So am I driving them away? Or is it their choice?

I keep in touch with my friends, Beth, Kim, Cara, Skip (yea YOU),Patrick,sometimes Jennifer (shes busy cookin a bun right now- so shes occupado) Maaaaartha dahling and Larry's family..(maybe not his mom's side so much).

So, do I just not get along with a majority of girls? Is there some kind of weirdness about me that people dont like? Am I too upfront/honest? or not enough? I know I tell my mom things she doesnt like (or didnt-past tense) to hear or do, and I do the same with my sister...but is that a reason to avoid me? Because I am good at nagging?

well. One things for sure.. I have my family, Alyssa and Larry and pets- and I have my friends- who for my faults forgive me- and I suppose I cant really ask for more- except understanding- nope..guess not.

En Fuego

2007-10-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

the hills are a burnin bright.

Yea the fires about 2 miles away from us...NE, NW...??? yea I guess the Santiago Canyon is NW basically because as Rancho Santa Margarita and Foothill Ranch are north and yea..its NW.

So its a scary sight. Larry succumbed to the Homer Tourist thing and went out atnd took pics the other day. Theyre not as good as my friend Raul's pictures though. The lake (from Raul's pics) is the lake we used to walk around when we lived in RSM- we still enjoy going there on occasion for the ducks and the dogwalkin'.

WE are OK, to answer all the questions from friends and fam (well the Friends and Family who care to ask that is) Some dont care, and some dont ask. Im not a real talky person a lot of times because I talk all day on the phone with people. It dampens my enthusiasm for calling people on my off hours. In addition to that... phone works both ways peeps! Larrys fam has called quite a bit, which is nice. Theyre not used to fires and earthquakes and things specific to So. Cal.

Which reminds me, I gotta call Marty and check on her.

Aunt Louise emailed Raina back which is good, and told her that Kon et. al. were in Chicago for some conference so they dont have to worry about it.

The smoke at our place is nasty, the raining of ash is nasty too. In the LA times it lists the city of Mission Viejo as Unhealthful for everyone, Air Quality wise.

I dunno what else to do at this point. Were mostly just waiting it out. Rain would be nice...really nice.

I had planned on being in this weekend anyway as Im on call and Im solo parenting. If it becomes a problem I will probably call up my friend Shelly and see if I can bail out to her place in Orange. I know they have network connectivity and she has a kid so its all set up that way.

Anyway- hopefully Rauls cool with me showin his pics... too bad if not.

So cool and yet so gross

2007-10-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

So I had a poltergeist moment this AM.

I should first preface this with the fact that ive been a little rashy/dermatitis(y) lately. Ive been treating behind my ear and by my nose with Hydrocortisone, as most people know is good for rashiness.

Anyway, so ive been pickin deed skin offa my ear. It wasnt that big a deal.. little bits here and there as the HCort did its work. it was kinda like sunburn, little bits o skin. But, on the way to work this AM, I got a WINNER. I know this is kinda gross, but call it my potty humor side, the side where you gotta show someone what you did in the toilet, cuz its gross but amazing. So I started peeling on the frontside of my ear, toward the top, near a cartilage piercing i have. I had to take my piercing out to get this off. I will have pics posted after I get back out to my car and take a pic (late to work, rushed in yada yada) I would say its like a half inch long, but its THICK is the weird thing. OK now Im grossing myself out. But its so cool...but its sooo GROSS.

Anyway, it reminded me of that scene in Poltergeist where the guy dreams up that he rips half his face off...

excellent URL

2007-10-23T17:16:00.001-07:00

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2007-10-22T150149Z_01_SAT253687_RTRUKOC_0_US-PHILADELPHIA-UNATTRACTIVE-1.xml

a place for some serious beer goggling...Oooooo nothin like fat chicks with low self esteem...

I wonder if their pregnancy rate is up- they should do a survey on that...unwed mothers.

double 2fer

2007-10-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

oooooooooh my head.

yesterday i got my back shots. the shots are painful and Im not supposed to take anti-inflams before or after. I tried taking a quarter of a codeine afterwards... with some of my sprinkles of Seroquel...not a good 2fer combo.

of course I woke up feeling like I had been eating dirt all night long.

This situation is exacerbated by the fact that i had to ride today. My car is in for routine maintenence..so I had to ride.. during the 40-60 mile per hour winds and fires. I currently sound and feel like a lifelong smoker. Joy. I wonder if its going to go up O'Neill Canyon behind our house...heh. That would be interesting because last I heard about O'Neill some park rangers had found an extensive pot farm in the middle of some remote area. Great... my house may get the smoke from pot farms. At least we will be happier about the fires.

Oh, on a brighter note..kind of... we taught Alyssa to call School Buses Cheese Wagons. :-D Endless amusement follows.

This is following a day of finding out that Alyssa is swearing in traffic. She is taking up Larry's habits of swearing. She mostly says F_ckin (&#$*(& which equals the F-bomb followed by a garbled something. She has been known to say F_ckin MOVE, which occurred directly after Larry said something like that in traffic one day. She is now doing this while shes playing with her cars at home as well. GReeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaat. Were currently trying to get her to correct this behavior by repeating somethiing one of her toys used to say (the steering wheel toy) which used to say(after honking the horn) GET OUT OF THE WAY! Not great but better than swearing. Of course if she does it somewhere else...we blame daycare for teaching her such horrible behavior. :-)

2 Limbs down 2 to go- RS Concert HOB pt 1 (of many Im sure)

2007-10-21T22:47:00.000-07:00

OK- call it a fetish, or an obsession.

Or call me a transformed person when it happens.

I love Rick Springfield.

Whenever I see him, I feel like im 16 again (without the awkwardness and zits) and I just have a blast.

I forget that Ive been married for 9 years now (as of this week -wooo hoo- Yikes...who would have thought), and that I have a 3 year old and Im a working mother with responsibilites, knees that are dying and and and.... and suddenly...Im transformed.

I first saw him in Vegas (yea, I was too poor in Jr. High to see him, although I did have a poster of him up on my wall --white background--He was soooo fine) and it was next to Don Johnson (what the HELL was I thinkin there???)

Anyway, as an adult, I talked Larry into taking me to see Rick when we were in Vegas. He said he had never seen me like this... ooh and I touched his leg, as he passed by.

I was in heaven, I touched Rick's leg (it was the left one mind you).

So Larry, in his INFINITE wisdom thought (or so I saw the wheels turning) - that was fun, lets go to another one! Of course I'm sure that me being in the fan club and various other things for a while didn't hurt, however I had let my fan club membership lapse as my teenage crush was not frequenting this area that much.

But when Rick came to the Pala, Larry got me tickets. Of course, after that, I got my own tickets for House of Blues. The Pala wasnt great seats, and Larry was there, so even though I was ecstatic to see Rick, it wasnt the same, and I didnt get to touch, he didnt come back to where I was.

House of Blues....OOOOOOOOOOOH House of Blues. What a GLORIOUS night that was. The opening band was actually quite good, I didnt think that the Squirts would be that good... I mean, lets face it, when your band name is synonymous with doin the green apple quick step, its proly NOT a GOOD thing.

But they were, quite good. And then...FINALLY, Rick came out. OhmmmmmmaaaaaaGAAAWD. I have pictures. As Alyssa would say, lots o dem.

HOB is General Admission, so he came out onto the floor. I had made my friend Kim endure standing there on the floor for HOURS for this very occasion. I WAS NOT going to miss an opportunity to up my limb touching quotas. (yea folks, I'm a dork).

So he came out our way. He had been up on the sound booth but then he came down our way. He held out a hand for help, Im pretty sure he got at least part of mine, Although I was entranced by the whole situation so I cannot remember completely. Call it an endorphin/seratonin blackout. Anyway, As he passed by, I touched the right Arm and the back.

So, to date, left leg, right arm, back.

Need to touch the torso and other limbs, and the coup de grace, the butt. oooooooh yea.. Butt.
That will be the merciful and wonderful end, call it a catharsis, a release, a tour de force.

The funny thing is, that when I'm there, I see him as the same person that he was when I was 16, although I know from his blog that he has been married roughly as long as I have been alive.

Its a sad world that we deal with. Age sucks. But Rick still looooooooks goooooooooood (to me at least- Larry doesn't care but likes the fringe bene's)

Name that Load

2007-10-21T22:40:00.000-07:00

We all have our issues.

I know, after 12 years of being with my husband, that some things are uncorrectable, and so I laugh it off and chalk it up to a Larry-ism.

This is one of those things.

My friends came into town this last week, and prior to the week of chaos, he did laundry.

I dont complain because I like that he helps out around the house and he does do a lot. Hes just weird about the things he does.

Laundry is one of those things.

Larry does laundry like a college kid.

But first before I elaborate and explain this, I will explain the title, which will then help to explain the event at hand.

I look at laundry and I split it up into logical groups and colors and lights and darks.

Larry does that too.

But....

Larry can do the laundry in 3 loads or less (queue up the name that tune intro music).

I swear, in my head I see him as a college kid using his foot to stuff more laundry in the machine.
When I pull the laundry out its like a wet clothing bundt cake. Solid, and full. I cant even usually get it out of the washer without spilling socks or something on the floor. Its actually quite comical.

So thats larry. Name that load... I can do it in 2 loads or less!

And he wonders why its still dirty afterwards...sigh...another Larryism..

Gotta love him.

reality bites

2007-10-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

I am a middle aged overweight Mom.

Thats who I am now.

I looked in the mirror today while desperately trying to get ready to meet friends at Disneyland.

I am old. I am fat.

I imagine like some women here in the OC I could have major work done. I dont want major. I just want reasonable....and not work done mind you. I want my body to be reasonable with me. Ive worked out with a trainer for over a year now. A YEAR... and Im not really much better off so far. I guess the last 2-3 weeks have been better as we focus more, But as I tried to squeeze into my jeans ( I have very few pairs that arent too big or like these...a little on the small side) I thought.. I did this when I was a teenager... and back then, I didnt have the stupid lumpy rolley things.

I feel childish. What was I thinking?? Who am I kidding to think I can get back to something that is long lost? A metabolism that is pre-baby? a Body that doesnt have a post child GUT? I never had a gut before this... Im not saying I didnt have something..but the whole apple body thing I was not.

I cannot recapture what I have lost. It is gone. I might as well live with my life of meds and pain and loss.

The chatter monkeys are busy again in my head. Maybe they're triggered by my Mom, or who knows, by an event??

Mom just emailed to say it was Grandma J's ninetieth bday. Were invited to come up. but not encouraged...or is it the other way around. Moms instructions are always left up to interpretation, and mind you...if I do the wrong thing, I'm unforgiven. Not that I'm not anyway. its a perpetual state for me. Im sure if I went up it would be a good thing, especially given that half of my family cannot recognize my husband and/or my daughter. I dont think thats particularly our fault, or perhaps it is. I am sure that its my fault SOMEHOW. I should be used to it by now.

Oh I know what has set me off into this fam-rant. My friend Kim is down here and her Mom and her are not getting a long. or rather her mom her and her husband are not getting along, and then her and her husband are not getting along due to their flakey 14 year old... and then and then.. oh and she has 2 other kids, and her brother around. I think I am delaying today so I dont have to see them.

So do I run my errands today? or do I run out and see them and be the recipient of the bitchfest family rant for another family.

They have been very nice to us and paid for our expensive dinner out on Wednesday, which I WISH they had not. Its really uncomfortable when that happens...besides, its Larry and my Anniversary. We chose the location, food etc. they shouldn't have had to be bound to it.

Ugh.

I guess I better get going one way or another. Im not getting any fresher. Time is expiring on my life timer and I should do something about it.

little Parisian

2007-10-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

we went ( a couple of weeks ago) and had professional pics done of Alyssa... I am very excited about this because well, one I got to clean up my tomboy, and 2 - lets face it... shes the cutest damn thing.

Im trying to get my sis and mom to pitch in on the cost since they havent yet done anything for Alys bday (slackers!). It would be nice to get a little toward that since the bank account seems to have a leak in it somewhere. OK our bank account is like a sieve, its bleeding dollars.

I think/hope larry can meet me for the picture selection. he said he can.

Im excited.

oh and why shes listed at the top as a little Parisian is that she wore her Paris dress. It had the eiffel tower on it and was really pretty. I even got to do her hair...which is 1- a big step for her, and 2 a big step for me... I tend to not be very froo froo and well, Im not real good at that prettification thing.

She was very cute.. not done up like glamor shots or anything. I wouldnt have that. But she seemed to have fun and so, well... im anxious to see the outcome. Most of the pics that we have of alyssa (especially from when she was earlier in her life... she looks a little stoned at times. (ie the sketch done at her daycare from an artist etc). It would also be nice for Xmas gifts, i could make up some stuff with small pics.

we shall see.

Das One HUUUUGE Kid

2007-10-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

So Larry took alyssa to the Dentist on Monday, the Allergist on Monday and the Regular Dr. on Wednesday with the following results.

Dentist: No Cavities! apparently she has Mama's teeth. in addition to that, it looks like she will have a gap in her front teeth...again.. mamas teeth.

Allergist: use the nose spray more often...WHAT? like you can get anything up your kids nose without their permission. All that goes up their WITH the kids permission is the kids own Fingers and perhaps occasional M&Ms and/or beans/nuts.

Regular Dr.: Alyssa's a Normal size child, if she were 4 and a half. Alas she only just turned 3 last month. At least shes proportionate in her hugeness, weight and height. She just looks like a 4-5 year old.. and yet talks like a 2.5 year old. I just hope people dont think shes retarded or something. She also got a flu shot at the Dr's - at his urging. Quivering lip tears..the whole deal. So Dada got her a pink one donut. Greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaat. My child..bribed by donuts.

Diminished GFF

2007-10-11T10:30:00.001-07:00

i yelled at my daughter last night. it was just a simple thing. She wanted to be lifted over the dog fence vs. pulling it around her. I was trying to do 10 things at once. I had a VERY busy and degrading day in Customer Service Land. .... I felt so bad.

I took it out in the wrong place.

I was recently told by a coworker of mine that I need to lower my expectations.
I also am told I do too much/care too much.
My RD told me I need to Retreat, Regroup, Rest and Recover...

I think maybe their right but I dont know how to stop the upward spin without creating a severe downward spin. perhaps this is the manic without the happiness. I liked the regular manic before. At least I was happy AND productive and not angry/frustrated/dissatisfied and productive.

Im hoping for Topamax. My friend said that it made her dopey. I can deal with dopey. I imagine it will dull the pain of work, and the issues at home, and the daily crutch of being me.

Did i mention that last week I gave up drinking again and also gave up coffee? Oh and this week im limiting my soda intake. What the hell am I thinking?? I am trying to get on track I keep telling myself. But it may be a bad week to stop sniffing glue....so to speak.

Larry was sick last week...as was Alybug. I may be coming down with it since my adrenaline high from work is wearing off... and of course now that i have impending vaca... Sucks.and always happens that way.

dying one braincell at a time

2007-10-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

Gotta love Customer service.

I do customer service. I deal with people who need help.. more help than i can give sometimes (some things are not in our repertoire of services).

But when I go out and buy something or return it... I deal with a lesser class of people..which scares me. I used to be that person, but I wasnt THAT person. Its ...the retail experience.

I went to Ross to return a washcloth.. a total of 1.99 and purchased 2 others at 1.59 each.

So- i got a HUGE hassle about not having the receipt. She made me wait and sit there with people in line behind me while she went to reattach the tag to the washcloth. Oh mind you the gun had no plastic thingies and then she dug them out etc. Then i had to fill out forms and then finally she got down to business of ringing the return and the new stuff. The total came to be something like 1 dollar and twenty something change or something like that. I had the change portion...but only had a twenty. so then she had no change.... wait for someone to come and get change for her.

then...she counted it 4 times.

How stupid do you have to be? I mean at least if you give me my change that I need... IE the dollars - you can subtract that from your equation and not have that issue later. Customer service is an oxymoron unless you pay top dollar now a days. Which is a sad saaaaaad thing.

Nothing else like it!

2007-10-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

there is nothing in this world quite like the vomit inducing experience of getting a needle full of Synvisc shot under your kneecap/in your knee joint. Then afterwards you walk around like a 90 year old with hip dysplasia because you so don't want to move your knees... at all... or put weight on them. Damn it hurts. But on the upside I get to find out what spectacular colors of white and green my face can turn during and after. Usually its a limey green when I'm preparing to unload lunch. The pass out face usually is more of a shade of cream or even an eggshell color...

Ahh fun for days. Ham sammich anyone?

Twister

2007-10-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

I feel like the human pretzel right now.. or taffy. I am pulled and pushed and being manipulated in all directions and all i want to do is hide in a lump in a corner.

Were going through a transition at work. cutting over to new system. its terribly stressful. that and I have difficult customers....really difficult. Ones that ignore what i send them. Ones that try to escalate when they dont really have means or a relevant reason to. Technical Account managers that just come over and irritate you when they dont have a relevant reason to. All i gotta say is more indians, less chiefs. So many people want to quit now. Its a terrible time here.

I threw a temper tantrum today when i got to work. Im so tired of the same people with the same pushback criteria.

Enough. Its bad enough that nobody listens to me at daycare, at home, out in the world, customer service wise.

One of my coworkers put it this way...."you need to lower your expectations" basically he said that 80 percent of people out there are less intellegent than us and that they dont have the skills or dont want them. Dont assume people want to do their jobs....because 8 out of 10 times... they dont.

Oh and other ones treat me like Im a child. isnt there a happy medium? its hard enough feeling like you dont know crap about what you do. I feel like my skills are slowly being sapped away by the lifesucking leech of time.

im writing down what i eat today. and forevermore. It sounds a bit like Edgar Allen Poes the Raven. Nevermore...

Im torn at this objective. Its hard going with everything else. Its another stressor when I am breaking...broken. I am that tree limb that is broken, but hangs from some threads underneath. And the wind has started to blow....

I didnt sleep much last night. Some was the crazy dreams/nightmares...they werent really dreams or nightmares... what do you call something that looks like a technicolor spider web decending like a net on you in your pseudo-sleep. Of course I woke up when i shouted out to larry...do you see that??? and of course...he never woke up.

then an hour later Alyssa was afflicted with something in her sleep.... and woke up screaming for mama and yelling owww...so I ran in...then she said she wanted dada.

whatever.

who needs sleep. or caffiene or a life...or sanity. I may have all soon enough. An extended coma sounds appealing right now. I hear they have great effects on your weight loss! It may quiet my mind too.

I also have some attribution to some things i did...that I didnt do..or suggest. Its work...its political...its crazy. Who cares

Larrys busy again today. Hes always busy. Work always keeps him busy. I feel sometimes like i have the weight of the world on me because some things he wont do and others he doesnt like to do (so he wont do) and the rest he doesnt have time to do....so i have to pick up that slack. Im sure he feels the same about dropping off Alyssa for Daycare, but he made that bed.... its the only time i have to work out.

well back to the flogging we call work.

Empty

2007-09-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

Im not sure what to say here. Im at work. Work has been terribly busy. Were transitioning to new systems with a new company with new acronyms and new new new. Nobody seems to be terribly happy about it but as with all change...were paid to make it happen and so we must.

I am busy trying to put my life back together after the dismantling via the purse theft. new cards new purse new glasses new new new. Although the newness of it is fun and intriguing (as I get to pick and choose replacements) the mental and physical cost is high, and exhausting.

this week...this week has been hell.

My computer system went down...you call the company help desk in India, it takes them 4 hours and 4 calls to get anything close to a resolution and then they close the ticket that day and it happens again in a day and a half and then again in another day and a half. In the end I have the same issue that I started with, but on the flip side. basically the first issue i had was that I couldnt reach one network..now I cannot reach the other because the one VPN client company had me uninstall the other VPN client applicaiton and then said..OK were done our side works.

Nice. Real nice.

I wish somebody cared about quality.

Anyway..thats the technical stuff. The home stuff is pretty sucky too. Larrys work has sucked big time. he doesnt come home until late..real late. Its hard to run a family like that.

On the good side..alyssas finally poopin in the toilet (so she earned herself a dora doll) and she also is sleeping in her own bed (sadly her bed is a queen sized 4 poster bed that ive set up with mesh netting held up by butterflies) . Spoiled??? NOOOOOO

So here I am ...late at work on a friday. at least its not yesterday. I dont know.. i think the reason i havent been blogging is that im just numb lately. Too much work, too much home issues, too much larry work issues, too much pet issues.

Its too much. And although the Lamictal seems to be working some..its not working enough and as my behaviorist said.. it appears to turn it into frustration instead of depression...and thats maybe not the best thing either.

Im hopin for Topamax dammit.

I keep workin out. At least thats a constant. I still have my pulled hammy. I bashed my knee in 2 weekends ago directly on the concrete pavement of the garage after I tripped over the dog fence. Its a pretty site. The knee is multicolored (still) extremely painful (still) and the other leg (the ankle that got caught) is swollen and stratched. and purple as well. After going to the doctor he said i had ruptured my bursa (creating water on the knee- otherwise known as bursitis) and gave me Celebrex. My stomach HATES Celebrex so i take it... sparingly.

yesterday Sammie flew away...well she flew up 30 feet into a tree around the corner and up a hill. Larry was stuck at work and it was cold (ok cold for OC is like 65 degrees but alyssa was in shorts) and so I stood outside with child and dogs trying to coax her down.

It didnt happen so I took the fam back inside and went back with a tree limb cutter that had a hook on the other end. Either I was going to chop the limb off and send that bird plummeting.. or I would hook it and bring her down nicely. As much as my frustration level wanted 1, I got 2 as Larry showed up toward the end and helped by grabbing her offa the limb that I was bending down with all my might. F*in' Bird.

We clipped her wings that night
I would have amputated them if it were up to me... but alas it wasnt.

My weight remains sadly the same. Tomorrow I consult with my trainer about what were going to do for the next 3 months or more. Larry and I talk about tryin for another kid next year. Goddam..what are we thinkin???

Anyway. thats my hell oh I mean life. Im going to go and take painkillers now. Preferably with a glass of wine and pass out, but only after doing 2-3 loads of friggin laundry. My life is the spin cycle...

The Gods of the Purse

2007-09-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

So for those who are out the immediate loop....my purse was stolen out of my car this Sat night/Sun morning.

We called the Po-Lice and took the report yada called the cards and cancelled yada...

and then just blanked. I think maybe shock was involved...how could someone... break into my car, my car alarm not go off, it was IN my driveway, less than 2 feet from Larrys car (WHICH WAS UNLOCKED!!) , how could they do that and take my purse...why not take the cards money and stuff..leave the pictures and other chit that you cannot sell. I had a craptastic purse too..on sale at Steinmart for 30 dollas. I mean COME ON! my wallet was equally valueable at the grand price of 10-15 dollas I paid for it on-sale.

It wasnt coach.
It wasnt Gucci

It was crap.

what they really took is my sense of wellbeing, my security, my Bi-Polar meds and stole a WHOLE days worth of time from me as I picked up the pieces.

yes they did get money. Yes they did get cards...but what the hell are you going to do with Baby photos??

Anyway, were now looking into security systems or maybe I am and larrys going along for the ride to pacify me. who knows.

But anyway in regards to this...shortly after the Po-Lice left the house, there was an earthquake. Of course Larry FREAKED...GET IN THE DOORWAY NOW!!!!

to which I calmly and sceptically said...What the Hell are you doing? (since the earthquake was over by then).

later that day and throughout the week we have determined that they have angered the Gods of the Purse. Since then the following has happened, more earthquakes, they shut the water off during my shower at work (i had soap on already too). Of course this is on top of the usual mundane things like dogs pooping and peeing in the wrong places, dealing with a 3 year old who hits and backtalks, the whole enchilada.

Im writing off this week. Although the Gods of the Purse can pay us back by letting Larry get on this game show hes trying out for.

pay homage people...

Im thinking of sacrificing a dog or 2. :-)

Chatter Monkey DOWN...and the paper towel lady

2007-08-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

mmmmmmmmmfffffffffpppppph

I had one glass of wine...(not even that because I cut it with juice) and this morning my mouth tastes as though i was licking a flag pole...dirty and metallic.

My chatter monkeys are active except in the wounded part of my brain so it seems as though the rest are observing ...and then angrily screaming at me for wounding their brethren.

Even during the morning workout...as im trying to keep up with the weights... theyre chattering at me... you smell - did you take your clothes out of the washer in time...what is that smell...is it the clothes or you? Does your breath smell equally bad...that must be heinous for everyone around you...crap...hes talking to you...what does he want...ugh more work.

Anderson (my trainer) rocks. But he did get after me for not doing the extra cardio i committed to. CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP. I need to get back on the diet wagon too..and im just I dont know. Im hanging onto a thin thread. At least with the training I sleep better. Dieting doesnt have such an effect....or does it? I dunno. Oh my knee hurts and so does my hamstring. Am I supposed to hurt this much?

Oh my pride is severely bruised as well since i had my shots on monday and I swelled up like the fat suit on my best friend or whatever that movie is. Add that into the trainer factor and the lack of diet factor...mmm not soo good. My pregnant friend Jennifer eats more healthily than I do- and thats just sad.

on a bright note.. at least im not the paper towel lady AKA the weird asian visor lady.

Theres this lady that comes into the showers and she doesnt bring anything...no products no towels no nothing. Oh and if you put anything into the number 8 locker then she will throw it on top of the locker bank...but anyway. You can tell shes in the showers because you hear her walk in and then ..papertowels get pulled. She dries off with paper towels from the dispenser.

I guess we should just be grateful theres not only a blower or something because I dont think i could handle that.

Passing the Present

2007-08-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

Lessons in Life
By Regina Brett The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

Godzilla v. World

2007-08-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
-Blue October, Hate Me

Sometimes its hard to look back at the wreckage of your life..not that it is always wreckage... However you know at some points you were Godzilla v. a Chihuaua in your smashing and crushing those that were lesser than you emotionally. But ultimately it wasnt Godzilla, there was just a little little being in there...and the bloated exoskeletal shell was all that protected you from people getting in...and seeing ..who you really are..or were.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
- see above..

I live my life. Thankfully I have passed up most of the terrors that have plagued me. My pasts skeletons are either neatly tucked away in totes of the closet of my mind, or theyve deteriorated to the point of non-recognition. And yet sometimes I have to search through those totes. Experience, savor..the pain. I hate myself. I hate myself for the things that I didnt do, and the things I did do. The things I left unsaid..the strength that I lacked at the right time, and the strength that I used at the wrong time.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

I have relived much of my life.. most of the parts of lack of understanding come from my childhood. I know my mother and I have not experienced a close relationship. I *was* a difficult child, mischievious, honery stubborn and headstrong. She had 2 toddlers and a needy child, if not 2. Part of what I believe was her issue with me was timing. My sister and I are months apart. Raina didnt get to experience the comfort of a mother unburdened pregnancy. Raina also was much more pliable than I was... I was unyielding.

I sometimes wonder if somehow, I could have been something I am not... if that would be different.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

Mad Scientist part deux- more fun with chemicals

2007-08-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

So i had to clean the carpets this weekend. I did it while suffering through an allergy attack and then a benedryl/advil hangover.

On the bright side, the results of the cleaning hath spawned V2 of the blog on chemical reactions.

Well offtrack for a moment...one of the cleaning agents i used this weekend makes me barf so theres more to this than just a simple blog.

So ingredients....Water (HOT for steamcleaning) Oxyclean, and vinegar.

Now- as anyone knows who has dumped oxyclean in a bunch of hot water it foams quite a bit...but BOY OH BOY it shoots up with vinegar...its the dietcoke/menthos type of reaction. It was really quite blissful for someone who was looking at a boring day of shampooing dog pee out of carpets.

As I tried to contain it in the steam cleaning soap compartment it was squirting out different directions. I started with at least 5 inches of water and was left with less than 1 and the rest was foam. Im sure if I got the reaction right it could be more efficient with less leftover product. Alas, my shampooing carpet days will not happen again until we have people over ....again.

Fun with pain...and fighting off the effects of age

2007-08-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

So. as most know from me - if you REALLY know me... I dont feel pain like normal people.

When my daughter was in-utero she stuck her foot under my ribcage...past her knee... that...was irritating but I figured it was part of the whole sucky pregnancy things.

Who knew?

So Ive finally come clean to my husband about some stuff ive been doing. Well- as he knows Ive been working out like a fiend and trying to lose all things attributable to genetics, a hard life, babies and well enjoying food (genetics).

I am getting Non invasive Lipo done..

It seems to work pretty well, however it is not without pain and well I dont feel pain like others...so this last time, i just started sweating profusely and almost passed out. THATS A NEW ONE!

I didnt even do that when I broke my leg... i mean it spun my world and all for a couple of minutes...and I suppose due to playing soccer I was already sweating profusely (not uncommon for me- thus me moving to a non-humidity state).

I suppose someone sticking me with a needle in a part of my body more than 7 times would qualify in the uncomfortable range... that and well it kills your fat cells so they form like a hard mass under your skin so its kinda like a golf ball under my chin...although it diminshes over time as your body cleans it up.

Im cautiously optimistic...and I dont think this would be as available to me back in VA. Im pretty happy about that... and my training is going well too...

I suppose the only thing that concerns me is well.. getting old..and what it does to a person and or persons emotionally. Its weird.. being a wife and mother. I imagine that Larry has the same OMG WTF have I done feeling on more than one occasion. Not always that its bad or that at any point you would undo it...its just the ongoing stress of life does take its toll..on your face, your body and your relationships.

Love with a husband and family is ever evolving. Larry is my best friend in the world. I can send him stuff and he laughs with me. He is smart, and funny. I know he is his own person and I am a bit pushy (OK a lot pushy) sometimes and I like the ability to know what people are thinking/doing. Larry is my black box. I do not know what he is doing, what his mind is chewing on, he is an enigma. I suppose that is some of what keeps me coming back, and also it drives me crazy. Before Larry I was always bored with the mundane plodding of people-dom that came through my life. They were always a temporary fix for something or other. They even could be smart, but not funny, or funny, but not smart. He was the "all in one" package.. hes just a little hard to break into.

Sometimes when I do crack into the nut, i feel pushy or guilty. Its the pushy nagger in me. I NEED to know things... im not satisfied with pat answers or "because". I was that annoying "why child", which is probably what tainted my relationship with my mother at an early age. Without understanding the repercussions of my actions (or grasping the repercussions of my actions) I could not understand that if I used moms gold paint to paint the baseboards that I would get my @ss beat. ( I remember the gold paint, it was pretty and I guess it was actual gold too..so it was exxxxxxxxxpensive), I dont remember the @ss beatin because...well the pain factor..which probably plays into the thickheaded learning curve.

Now as an older adult getting shots in my knees and fighting off shooting pain while lifting weights to keep the rest of my body from breaking down... and getting shots in my fat to make it break down...sometimes I wonder..

Am I just a glutton for punishment...and whats the point of all this? so I can not go gently into the night of my lifetime? Is there such a thing as putting off age? Is this all just a futile effort that funds a whole industry that is just fed off paranoia and media images?

Can I do this? im not always sure...but i get up for another day...and wonder what its going to bring. And what customers I will want to kill.

chemical reactions

2007-08-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

sometimes I think im more guy than girl.

My favorite teacher in grade school was Mr. Rose. It was earth science class. He was so cool...we got to go outside and look at dirt and stuff. He also would skydive... or had before ...and told us about it. he also had us pour stuff on rocks and they would bubble. THAT was cool.

I think its in my blood. I love chemistry...or maybe I just like blowin chit up. But that really cant be ALL it because Im fascinated by lighting things on fire too.. I mean its not an overwhelming sensation or anything...its more of a survival/can that reallllly burn fascination.

so I guess it does boil down to chemistry. What is the boiling point/melting point....

Its just cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUensqImzXM

The gummy bear was way cool..thanks skip.

Ah back to ...to chemically react vs. restraint.

Last night I killed a moth. It struggled on its back for a while. I felt bad for it but I thought back to what Dr. Z said and refrained from killing it further. I suppose it can die slowly in peace. I prefer the quick exit. poor thing.

On the note of bugs.. I wonder what the weight bearing capacity of a fly is?

i will have to prepare crazy glue and a fishing line with clip and various weights.

I think its a good question...

Wino Wisdom

2007-08-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

a site I love...with quotes I love even more.

One article not to be missed is the Wingman...although I am female... it is funny as he11.

http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/md_wino_wisdom.htm

__________________________________________

“If you want something you’ll have to speak up. I can understand Drunk all day long but I’m not fluent in Shit Head.”
A waitress named Stacy giving a brief linguistics lesson to a belligerent and mumbling patron.

“I’m sort of a fashion nut, and I was just checking on what kinda shoes people are wearing this season.”
Charlie picking himself off the floor of the Broadway Bar and Grille in Nashville, TN.

“I’m afraid of three things: Women, snakes, and the police. They all have the ability to hurt me and make it look like it was my fault.”
Gil H. sums up his fears at Auntie Mae’s Parlor in Manhattan, KS.

Anti-Social bug Disorder

2007-08-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Spiders can surf. I swear- Ive tried it.

I know that sounds weird..and ok maybe its not surfing as theyre clinging to that piece of TP while circling around to their eventual destruction at the bottom of the toilet flush. But I would feel that the last minutes of their life would be less exciting without the final song of "Surfin USA" while making that trip.

One of my therapists had mentioned that this is perhaps a little antisocial (as I mentioned rounding up bugs as a child and then putting a chinese firecracker into the box and blowing it up. I say its kid boredom (as does larry, since i was a little disturbed about it- post (ther)rapist session (thanks to S.S. for the new reference). Larry even asked me..who doesnt take magnifying glasses and cook ants when youre that age? I do remember that they actually had a science project at school where we went out and did that... Does that mean that my school was teaching me antisocial behavior (so nice to think that there is blame to be laid other places other than your own head). But truly my head is to blame. Ahhhh..check yer head.

thus the necessity for medication... it silences the chatter monkey somewhat (thanks again SS for the link and reference).

I do think I perhaps have it in for bugs. i dont like them. I garden, I dont kill bees, I like bees. I dont kill ladybugs (even though we used to have an infestation back in VA in our siding). Truth be known, i didnt save any ladybugs as they flew into our torchiere lamps. Im not going to sacrifice a finger for them mind you. the thoughts of those times really just bring back the overwhelming smell of cooked bug...cooked ladybug. Its rather foul.

I have a friend.. Cara (see pics below) that will shooo bugs out. she will escort them from her home. Ive contemplated telling her that shes killing micro-organisms with each step, but its too cruel. There has to be some optimism and idealism in the world. Sometimes I feel that I hang out with her to feed off of some of her buoyancy...as though its a chemical composition that my body doesnt produce naturally, and must be ingested verbally by me.

Her husband is not so kind to bugs. He has an electified lookin tennis raquet. Chris has even described how the later models of mobile bug-zappers are not as optimal as his due to the cross bar effect of the one that he has. Ahh the electric chair of the bug world.

I am the equivilent of the nuclear bomber or arsonist. I have been known to light bugs on fire before. Slugs and snails I dislike due to gardening fiascos. I reserve salt for them and also spray them with Windex if its available. It creates a nice chemical reaction. The salt would just dehydrate...thats too slow a death for me. I enjoy experimenting with Windex.
As I recall its NaCl + NaH4O2 or something like it. basically either chlorine gas and or Hydrogen gas is released. Very dangerous but- an interesting experiment based on quanititative effect.

Eh- well... I dont want to kill them cruelly but, I will kill them one way or another... and finding purpose or learning from it is always beneficial. Maybe not for the health or life of the bug, but for me. Maybe I learned too much from cooking ants with a magnifying glass...

Raging against Rage

2007-08-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

"If you love something set it free, if it comes back its.....broken" - Movie "Gross Pointe Blank"

I broke myself some more last night. I have no idea if its the meds or lack of exercize or a combo or what.

I was raging.

I knew - I felt the anger rise and ebb in me as I sat there breathing...hating....burning....

So many things...

I asked myself what was it that was bothering me so. Why must I rage? Is it the medicine, is it the disregard that I feel is coming from all directions, is it the lack of sleep? I feel so isolated, as though larry entrenched in his random battles with ADHD doesnt understand, the dogs cannot understand, my 2 year old cannot function but on a moment to moment basis so she cannot possibly understand....how can people not FEEL this emanating from me like heat off of a barbeque on a hot summer day?

I havent felt like this (with no direction of my anger) for so long. Maybe since my teen years(ish).

Finally I lashed, I broke... I gave in to the rage, after the dog pooped on the floor for the UMPTEENTH time. I yelled at the poor dog, and as he scurried under the bed I kicked his dogbed (soft) at him. Too bad it went under the ottoman and then as all good martial arts practicioners do, followed through and put a rather sizable dent in my foot. (Note to self. Solid Oak Vs. Foot= Oak wins) as my husband inquires to my well being and I dont feel the foot due to my adreneline fueled rage (which is fed by my injury) I kneel and grab the dog from under the bed and show him his mess. and tell him no or rather F(**$)#(* DOG G___DAMMIT F___*(&#$*&( NO NO NO! YOU DONT POOP IN THE BATHROOM!! Then I released on somewhat of a bowling move that put him close enough to the floor but headed him out the door.

Then of course I said.. IM FINE....to further inquiries into my wellbeing.

Later I did admit that perhaps I may have broken something... and Larry fetched me some ice.

How do I feel now? Embarrassed, decidedly embarrassed for my behavior upon myself. The dogs gotta stop poopin in the house tho. seriously. gotta stop.

Drink, drugs and therapy- Who am I?

2007-08-08T14:05:00.000-07:00

As we all search for our own coping mechanisms it seems to me that we are all ill equipped for this job called life.

in our early teen/20s we discover and use alcohol to pass away the time and to blame for stupid mistakes that ultimately we need to own.

Or - if you're one of my friends from HS. (Jon P) you drop acid and go to DisneyWorld. (sounds rational to me) until you start suffering the negative effects of your chemical induced alteration- ie panic attacks or paranoia. Luckily I never went down that road. I figured I was already too weird, and I couldnt stand to lose any braincells.

At any rate, later in life as stress (read work) slowly grinds away any amount of sanity and dignity you have left you seek solace in something... like psychiatry...or more like prescribed drugs. Because - were nothing without something, or is that were something with nothing...

The latest in the long of drug related doses that I have been doled out by the medical association is Lamictal.

Previous to this it was Zoloft/Trazadone (day/night)

Then Lexapro/Roserum

Now - theyve diagnosed me as BiPD, and theyre giving me Lamictal.

How do I feel about this? I dont know...jury's still out. I no longer speak so quickly i cannot catch my breath, nor do I sleep more than 12 hours a day. I suppose thats a plus.

The most recent effect is that I am not sleeping as much.. and when the alarm or anything stirs - I jump out of bed as if it were electrified. although... i did the same as a child. How many times did I leap out of bed and start running and then realize my legs were asleep as i crash against the floor/wall area. At least I don't do that last part anymore....yet. The whole legs falling asleep were due to the Clam Sit as my mother call(s)(ed) it. that is just one of my abnormal sleep habits that include but are not limited to: Sleep talking, sleep walking, night terrors and of course..the clam sit.

So medicate me...oh medical community. Ask me at every turn what im thinking, dreaming, eating drinking... ask away because.. even though you ask.. how can you know me based on a predefined set of questions based around my wellbeing now.

How can you know what made me this way? Can you know about the spraying of the muddaubbers nests that escalated into spraying the eves for spiders? can you understand my now somewhat anti-social behavior toward stinging bugs and spiders due to these things? Does it have any bearing on the night terrors Ive suffered so long about Spiders dropping on my head?

Can you possibly understand having to go play because youre better socially equipped than others? Feeling tossed out of your house and home. Feeling homeless...knowing that the only person who thinks that youre worth something is yourself, and yet not being able to prove it to anyone? And if there is proof needed for this..when does this ongoing proof stop? When do I get to say..Ive done enough. When do I let go.

I dont know about letting go.

I think this is due in part to the fact that I felt that so many gave up on me...so many "let me go". The need to control this situation is an overriding factor in my life. Control, must control, because being out of control is, being worthless, aimless and socially negligible.

At any rate, I digress. Even thought the point of blogging is an endless digression of the mind.

The reason I write.. is because I dont sleep. I have energy now.. that I didnt before, but I dont feel focused. I feel fuzzy around the edges.. I cant keep track of appointments as well, my mind isnt automatically constructing the next list for the next objective.

I have no idea if this is good or not. Its not as though I, at any stage of my life, could look back and say...Now that...thats normal...so what am I striving for?

Do I want to unfocused energy, the lack of sleep, but less visions?

Is it ok to jump out of bed as though a bomb went off ?

What is this road I am heading down? What am I looking for? What is this supposed to accomplish?

I suppose at this stage I am not supposed to have the answers. But.. do any of us really have any of the answers?

Im not sure we do.

How terrifying.

Broken

2007-08-07T10:26:00.001-07:00

I try so hard. I pay a LOT of money... I go to a trainer 3 times a week, so hopefully I wont be a obese cripple in my old age. Its not easy. I generally am not known as a complainer either..sometimes im mouthy, but im not specifically a complainer unless something is really wrong. And i give so many chances I really do.

The reason i write this...is because my trust is broken. I am broken in many ways...my knees, my moods, my rituals, but at least I had my sense of justice and rightness, and the knowledge that people were listening to me, and I made a difference, to myself and others.

I am broken.

Its hard saying this. I dont like to be broken, I dont want to acknowledge my inablities. I feel that I should keep trying, like trying to communicate to those who dont listen. Its embarrassing to me. It is a weakness I dont like admitting, both to those I know and trust and especially to those I dont know, and dont trust.

I am terrified of weakness, of being exploited. After so many years of feeling emotionally run over (or physically, literally) I feel it my duty to stand up, and to prove it can be done, if not for myself, for my daughter. It just makes it harder when someone you trust or have repeatedly confided in runs you over. Its like being broken all over, being exposed to those you dont know, and dont trust, like being split open for the world to see.

I dont cry. Ok, I do sometimes but I dont like crying for many reasons. One, Ive done enough crying already to fill 2 lifetimes. Two, its weakness I cannot afford to have. three, its a weakness I cant afford for others to see, and or exploit. The last time I cried before yesterday was in January, after my mom went off on me, and my cat was scheduled to be put down, in the same day. I think I actually cried more that month too. The rest of the time has been prefunctory movie eyeball waterings that are not important. I dont cry due to my own feelings. In my world its not allowed.

There are so many words in the English language that are supposed to smooth over/assauge these feelings of sadness, doubt, frustration, and dispair.

Im Sorry
I love you

And yet these words mean nothing really. Words without meaning are context without substance or vice versa.

Some people sling these words around like fries at a burger joint. they are little bits of nothing that have no substance and no value. There merely a placation so that you keep coming back for more. As much as they should be the air and water for the soul, some people use is as something to be bandied about for their own personal utiliation or gain. They dont know the meaning.... they have no right.

I am grateful, so grateful for larry. Its nice not being alone in this world. Its nice knowing someone is listening, at least sometimes. Its the rain poncho against the storm of this world. It may not be much, but its enough, it has to be. Its nice to be able to trust someone, even if he is the only one.

I know when he says things he means it. Even though we may be running out the door, I love you means something. Its small comfort against a much larger world.

Focuuuuuuuuuus FOOOOCUSSS good LARRY

2007-08-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

I love my husband.

he is very thoughtful and romantic and all the things I am not...spontaneous...and many times he drives me batty.

I do have to say that over the years our relationship has changed significantly with the addition of Alyssa and dogs and birds and jobs and houses. its not bad...its just different, its a work in progress, as we all are really.

Sometimes it creates issues due to the burdens, the weight of these responsibilities we carry. Sometimes, truthfully, I am envious of his ability to not see some of things that need doing, schedules that have been made etc. I wish I didnt have to be such a slave to all things listlike... that i could be literally, list-less.

But that is my burden, not his. larry sent me flowers recently at work. Its a huge surprise, although post AZ golf trip I was a little angry and crazed at all the stuff I had to do in his absence. the flowers remind me of the time I worked at the Womens center in Vienna during my internship after I had a miserable internship at a Law office with a weird dude that was blind and stuttered. the Womens center was nice but I was most of the time unsure as to what I had to do, and so that made for a lot of empty space and confusion for me as I tend to be incessantly busy (thus my blogging) I remember i was having a terrible time with the transition and so many other things and larry sent me roses. I cannot remember if it was 1 dozen or 2 dozen. What I do remember is that we were poor and couldnt probably afford it and that I will never forget how wonderful it felt to be the center of attention..and to feel loved by him. Every time he sends me flowers now I relive that moment in time...just for a second, regardless of where or when I get those flowers.

I love my husband.

sometimes (not surprisingly) I am however unhappy with his inability to focus and finish things. I know its part of his disorder (literally- hahah) but none-the-less sometimes it becomes maddening to try to pick up the pieces after a completely (or seemingly) random person. Luckily Larry has started seeing Dr. Mellow-Vegan recently, and is back on the proper meds...albeit in lesser doses..

I really dont care what dose it is... I am so happy hes back within my world. He can focus again and i feel like hes paying attention again. That makes so much of a difference- really it makes a world of difference...or a garage full of difference since thats what he completely cleaned last night.

It was awesome to get up this AM and be surprised by that. it has been on my todo list for a long time especially with the burgeoning moth population that needs to be ousted from there.

i can now move the motorcycle into the garage and maybe even turn it around so i can drive it straight out vs. backing it out. It will be nice since ive cleaned it up and it looks brand new. I hate it being in the elements during the day.

did I mention I love my husband?....

Workin by Braile...and maybe flappin my tire

2007-08-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

What a day already...and yesterday was not much better, ok... it was worse. But then again i havent given today a chance to surpass yesterday.

Yesterday customers were crazzzzzzzzy. Sales escalations galore. Salespeople like to think theyre the only ones in my universe. I of course let them think that... its good that they dont really know me... they would know that I am secretly giving them the finger..that the whole killing them with kindness really is only me wanting to kill them. I suppose what they dont know wont hurt them..until i shiv them in the kidney.

Ah but today...today my car had a flat tire. And i found out that my car doesnt have a spare...just an air compresser that fits into the car lighter so you can puff and leak down the road. Luckily its a slow leak...so now i wait until tire places actually open so i can limp it there and then maybe look ridculous riding the electric scooter back to work. I hope they get it done by the time im done with work or im hosed because I cannot ride my little electric razor scooter 15 miles back to my house.

On top of that... I dont have my glasses today and my eye looks red (just one...only smokin in my sleep on the left side apparently) no actually though, last time this happened I got an ear infection and eye infection and sinus infection. (My body is a one stop infection shop). I just hope it doesnt do that again. Im tired of the ear infections. So anyway... I cant put in my contacts..no glasses no contacts...so im working by feel. It will be interesting to see how this all pans out.

wooo hoo - gettin things done...washin the bike

2007-07-31T12:21:00.000-07:00

Im crazy. Its confirmed. I guess I will have to list it out and put it in my calendar.

I actually got to wash my bike last night because I had time while my hubby and daughter were over at the tumble center (btw- great place, same price as Little Gym but we get to go all week long and we dont have to watch our daughter...the teachers actually do that). Its a great concept. I then went inside and cleaned the kitchen and living room.

the appraiser and cable guy came this am. Today i have a facial (im breakin out bigtime) and tonight I plan on cleaning out the garage. I dont feel crazy but I do feel much more energetic than a couple of weeks ago. I guess meds Do help. That and a good Dr. or 2, or 10.

However I am continued to be bothered by the house being in shambles. Every night i focus on something new...last night was the bike...oooh and I need to order parts...and tonight will be the garage. I guess..ok i know.. Im somewhat irritated at hubby for not pitching in more. I know he should get away but the week before and 2 weeks after hes out of commission as well for various reasons (before is prep time, after is I hurt, im sick, im tired im sunburnt). I guess I wish i could take some time off from myself and everything else like he does but then who would step up to the plate? As I discussed with his sister before... if we didnt do it they would be just as happy living in a disgusting pile of smelly laundry and old rotted furniture. I just hope he gets on his meds soon and gets himself sorted out. It would be nice if he did this before i have a psychotic break and decide he needs to meet his maker.

to List...or not to List..that is the question

2007-07-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

To list or not to list - that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to list out the daily chores of one such pitious household as mine, or better left unsaid.

I list everything. I leave nothing to chance, or I would leave nothing to chance if I could. The chances I take are relegated to the traffic I face coming home from work or breathing polluted air. Oh not ordering the Harry Potter book ahead of time..that was a chance..thats all the spontieniety in my life that I need.

Daily lists weekly lists monthly lists. Lists that are the routine maintenence (lawn mowing) lists that are one time deals (hanging pictures). I list therefore I am. Otherwise, I am listless. ( I kill myself- and others wish i would hurry up and finish the job).

if I were a list man? ooh if I were a HIT man!
If stupidity were a disease, and some people are terminally stupid, would I be the Dr. Kevorkian of the Computer related support world to pull their plug. Certainly someone needs to. theres only so much cheeriness you can throw at people via a phone before I (like my grandmother used to do with our letters as children), redline, correct and undermine everything they say. Most people have trouble communicating, and couple that English language barrier with software and hardware issues and viola! you have cow-Pie! (that amounts to smelly pile o poo that youve trussed up to look edible, but cannot.

People are mysterious things...that apparently have no nutritional value when eaten. Its a good thing im going Vegan than. Apparently its cheaper that way. We shall see ... I see a lot of cooking and freezing in my future. although I highly doubt my husband will get on the wagon, I hope that my daughter will attempt to have some healthier habits due to this. And I hope i learn how to cook all this stuff.

Evil Monkeys and Blog gremlins

2007-07-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

Evil Monkeys ate my Entry!

They must be destoyed! I will find my unpublished post. I WILL!

Ventura Doggie Parade!!!

2007-07-24T14:58:00.001-07:00

This last weekend we traveled the 2+ hours to Ventura to see our friends Cara Chris and baby Kaitlyln. We had a great time even though I didnt get much rest (Larry and Alyssa, along with Oggie and Soph decided it was THEIR bed).

On Sunday we went to the Doggie parade and had a great time. Cara and I then went shopping for schtuff (as all women MUST).

The Doggie parade supported CARL which is something akin the the Ventura Animal Adoption type League. I dont know the acronym exactly but it was great fun with the Frisbee dogs and the tricks as well as the vendors etc. Everyone had a great time as it was cool (at least for the most part) and there were lots of butts to sniff. Oggie and Sophie got to meet people at a Doxy rescue and Elvis Seymour just pretty much was bewildered by it all..but he I think he enjoyed chillin with the wieners.

They did have contests... best trick, best costume, best kisser... and guess what...Oggie won best kisser! and then he won best of the best!. Larry was so proud of his little man.

I even have Pictures to post as well!

KT and the attack of ADHD

2007-07-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

my poor sister-in-law.

Her boyfriend has ADHD....bad. I thought my husband had it bad until I met him. Hes off the charts....spastic almost..but smart spastic.

anyway- they just moved into their apartment. KT is trying to get everything put away and Mike is constantly..out. Way out. Cannot focus, cannot get the house unpacked, has to network, has friends in town...OUT.

All I gotta say is boy betta watch it. Because hes going to get the smiting of his life if he doesnt.

:)

Life plods on...in NorCal

2007-07-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

so I was out sick on Friday from work. I dont know if I was sick enough to be out sick but I was out. So who knows.

This weekend Larry and I went to NorCal to help his little sis move into her new apartment. I was really excited for her.. at least for the first 6 hours of the trip. Larry forgot the cord to Alyssas DVD player so we had an unoccupied 2 year old for part of the trip which was annoying. The good part of the trip was that I finally got to finish my Terry Brooks book (ok who is kidding I started AND finished it). I also got to spend some quality time with Beth which is always cherished- sometimes its not the act of actually talking to her - its more like being with someone who makes you feel like youre home, no matter where you are.

So we took the dogs and the kid and headed north. Katie and Mike were having quite a time moving in and watching Larry and Mike work together (ADHD x 2= total chaos in a controlled environment). Somehow Katie will survive, but she is learning to deal both with moving out and living with Mike and being across the country. I envy her in some ways, being able to make a clean start and having a company pay for part of it.

work sucks, wear a helmet

2007-07-12T16:23:00.000-07:00

Why is it when youre making schedules or projects that the first month or so its fun and then after that it just sucks?

I have the benefit (cough cough**) of making a schedule for my coworkers to do something we all hate. Ive done my best to take it over and sometimes (many times) that means taking the brunt of the time and scheduling it for myself. However everyone seems to think that I use it to my advantage, and dont schedule myself. I have totals that prove that I take more than others... and yet some contest that count, I know theyre doing it somewhat in jest, somewhat in truth. It makes it hard for me to carry on doing this job even though they know they will not want the Team leads to do it- as they do not take into account vacation schedules, Dr. Appts, or preferences.

It is not a good place to be... but I guess the only solution is to suck it up. When Im out sometime and they suffer through someone elses schedule they will figure out the difference.

Who flung...**** and wny I love being an Engineer

2007-07-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

Carcapaults. there is a purpose in my life...and its Carcapaults.

That pretty much sums it up. There are so many things in this world I want to build. i want to learn to weld and create my own vehicle. I would use the motor from my electric scooter plus other things... oh the things I would build.

But mostly I want an actual carca-pault. Something to fling food bits, carcaus(es) (carcai??) at my nasty neighbors. i wouldnt fling poo or anything. Larry takes care of that and it allows him to practice with his pitching wedge. But the pitching wedge doesnt work for carcauses- and nothing draws Crows and Coyotes like edible trash. I know theres also been a racoon in the area that is attracted by the trash. But apparently its a pet of someone...(dont ask me- I saw it riding around in their car). but thats off topic... mmm flinging garbage at neighbors. Im warm and fuzzy now.

Poop happens.

2007-07-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

I just got back from lunch. I had Chick-fil-a which i havent had in a while. It was good. a nice spicy wrap which i didnt use much dressing on and (*gasp*) french fries....mmmmmm. Although I am sure my dietician would have frowned on the whole experience..(I wasnt particularly hungry in the first place) it was nice to have some comfort food. I thought of Lisey-Bisey the whole time I ate it and wished she were here with me.

Of course shortly thereafter eating the fries I had a greasy food dumping event. which got me to thinking about guys.

I got an email today from my mom about why guys are happy people..not having to worry about pregnancy or aging..yada yada. I thought about it and thought..you know they dont mention about womens bathroom habits. Women dont poop in public. You rarely go into a bathroom to hear some woman grunting it out on the toidy. If you do they stay put until all people have left and then sneak out. As it was... as I was in the locker room this AM i heard some lady flushing and flushing and flushing..no kidding..this lady must have flushed at least 5 times... I mean for gawds sake the courtesy flush is over and its not like we dont know what youre doing!!! I wonder why we, as women have this stigma about elimination. We wipe the poop from our kids butts, pick up poop from our pets, and even have to sometimes hear about poop from our husbands etc. Why is it that were not allowed to poop?

Poop happens.

The Return of the Frenemy...

2007-07-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

Dun dunn dunnnn dunnnnnnnnnn

Shesssssss BACK!

The Frenemy is back today. After she verbally attacked me that one day I haven't spoken to her. I feel shes just an unstable and miserable human being. I know shes going through a divorce and now the latest is that her Grandma passed away. I feel bad for her, but not enough to open up my feelings and self to her again to be abused. No thanks. I had enough of that.

I suppose I should forgive her and move on. I also think thats for someone thats a much bigger person than me. maybe after i get on new meds and forget things I can forgive... yea..thats it. Ill stick to that theory.

ongoing treatment...

2007-07-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

so i saw Dr. Z last night... I see Dr. I instead of K next week (moving up in the alphabet). Were going to try some new meds to see if we can stop me cycling. I'm very much hoping that something works. I hope that they prescribe Topamax...ive heard good and bad about it...Ive heard that it makes you dopey- but in all honesty I think I could use some dopeyness in my life...as I dwell on things too much and carry them with me. I want to forget things. I really want to forget things.. not day to day stuff like Dr. appts or something...but I dont understand my driving need to control the environment to the point that I need to schedule my life in anywhere from 15 minute to 1 hour long blocks. *sigh*

I suppose its useful in that i at least get things done...but that doesnt help my mood or sense of accomplishment. I find no joy right now... and the impending 3 weeks of crazy stuff on the weekends and not being able to control my environment at home has got me in a tailspin. to top it off I have not lost any weight recently. I am not controlling that aspect of my life very well...if at all.

My life in the County of Entitlement

2007-07-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

Ahh I love my life.

I just wish ill upon a few of my neighbors.

It is too bad in this life that people have to be so ugly to one another. Unfortunately at this time my husband and i have 2 puppies, Sophie and Oggie. Sophie is quiet, Oggie is quite the opposite. Unfortunately in potty training I want them to go outside..sometimes that includes the middle of the night.

This morning I got one neighbor behind us to scream at the top of HER lungs. Let your F(#*$& dogs in...etc etc. It went on for a bit. I did let the dogs in- but I figure I will bestow their droppings upon her property since she cannot respect our need to try to train our dogs. I do have them in training classes. I do worry about what neighbors think and do. However I believe since we tolerate their parties and non-sense they should show a little compassion and do the same.

I suppose they should do the way of the neighbors on the side that have tons of growth coming out of their yard. they should just keep to themselves and shut the heck up or else. After a couple of times where the neighbors on the left of us came over and confronted me and was nasty I told him to write a letter if he has something to say. I have heard nothing.

I sometimes wish I could somehow avoid confrontation in my life. My husband Larry says hes bad at it so I get the brunt of the conflict. I suppose I do handle it better than some, but I just hate feeling railroaded, both by the conflict"ors" and the non- conflict"ors". Larry has come a long way though.. he used to really really hate it and he handles it sometimes..just because I cannot, more than any other reason.