"If you love something set it free, if it comes back its.....broken" - Movie "Gross Pointe Blank"
I broke myself some more last night. I have no idea if its the meds or lack of exercize or a combo or what.
I was raging.
I knew - I felt the anger rise and ebb in me as I sat there breathing...hating....burning....
So many things...
I asked myself what was it that was bothering me so. Why must I rage? Is it the medicine, is it the disregard that I feel is coming from all directions, is it the lack of sleep? I feel so isolated, as though larry entrenched in his random battles with ADHD doesnt understand, the dogs cannot understand, my 2 year old cannot function but on a moment to moment basis so she cannot possibly understand....how can people not FEEL this emanating from me like heat off of a barbeque on a hot summer day?
I havent felt like this (with no direction of my anger) for so long. Maybe since my teen years(ish).
Finally I lashed, I broke... I gave in to the rage, after the dog pooped on the floor for the UMPTEENTH time. I yelled at the poor dog, and as he scurried under the bed I kicked his dogbed (soft) at him. Too bad it went under the ottoman and then as all good martial arts practicioners do, followed through and put a rather sizable dent in my foot. (Note to self. Solid Oak Vs. Foot= Oak wins) as my husband inquires to my well being and I dont feel the foot due to my adreneline fueled rage (which is fed by my injury) I kneel and grab the dog from under the bed and show him his mess. and tell him no or rather F(**$)#(* DOG G___DAMMIT F___*(&#$*&( NO NO NO! YOU DONT POOP IN THE BATHROOM!! Then I released on somewhat of a bowling move that put him close enough to the floor but headed him out the door.
Then of course I said.. IM FINE....to further inquiries into my wellbeing.
Later I did admit that perhaps I may have broken something... and Larry fetched me some ice.
How do I feel now? Embarrassed, decidedly embarrassed for my behavior upon myself. The dogs gotta stop poopin in the house tho. seriously. gotta stop.
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Sometimes, you simply can't keep it in.
Inanimate objects are valid targets, living ones are not.
After my STBX crashed the car, we donated it to the firehouse where a buddy of mine is the chief EMT. I stopped by there with my kid, on the way to the racetrack. He handed me a fire axe.
The violence flowed out of me, and I threw blow after blow at that car, with all of my might.
my kid was scared.
it went on for about 5 minutes, raining blows through the sheet metal, chopping my way into the trunk. My eyes on fire, my breath hot with exertion, until Matt said to stop.
my kid's eyes were wide... she'd never seen anything like that, especially from me.
All that to say: channel your rage, and choose your targets wisely.
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