As we all search for our own coping mechanisms it seems to me that we are all ill equipped for this job called life.
in our early teen/20s we discover and use alcohol to pass away the time and to blame for stupid mistakes that ultimately we need to own.
Or - if you're one of my friends from HS. (Jon P) you drop acid and go to DisneyWorld. (sounds rational to me) until you start suffering the negative effects of your chemical induced alteration- ie panic attacks or paranoia. Luckily I never went down that road. I figured I was already too weird, and I couldnt stand to lose any braincells.
At any rate, later in life as stress (read work) slowly grinds away any amount of sanity and dignity you have left you seek solace in something... like psychiatry...or more like prescribed drugs. Because - were nothing without something, or is that were something with nothing...
The latest in the long of drug related doses that I have been doled out by the medical association is Lamictal.
Previous to this it was Zoloft/Trazadone (day/night)
Then Lexapro/Roserum
Now - theyve diagnosed me as BiPD, and theyre giving me Lamictal.
How do I feel about this? I dont know...jury's still out. I no longer speak so quickly i cannot catch my breath, nor do I sleep more than 12 hours a day. I suppose thats a plus.
The most recent effect is that I am not sleeping as much.. and when the alarm or anything stirs - I jump out of bed as if it were electrified. although... i did the same as a child. How many times did I leap out of bed and start running and then realize my legs were asleep as i crash against the floor/wall area. At least I don't do that last part anymore....yet. The whole legs falling asleep were due to the Clam Sit as my mother call(s)(ed) it. that is just one of my abnormal sleep habits that include but are not limited to: Sleep talking, sleep walking, night terrors and of course..the clam sit.
So medicate me...oh medical community. Ask me at every turn what im thinking, dreaming, eating drinking... ask away because.. even though you ask.. how can you know me based on a predefined set of questions based around my wellbeing now.
How can you know what made me this way? Can you know about the spraying of the muddaubbers nests that escalated into spraying the eves for spiders? can you understand my now somewhat anti-social behavior toward stinging bugs and spiders due to these things? Does it have any bearing on the night terrors Ive suffered so long about Spiders dropping on my head?
Can you possibly understand having to go play because youre better socially equipped than others? Feeling tossed out of your house and home. Feeling homeless...knowing that the only person who thinks that youre worth something is yourself, and yet not being able to prove it to anyone? And if there is proof needed for this..when does this ongoing proof stop? When do I get to say..Ive done enough. When do I let go.
I dont know about letting go.
I think this is due in part to the fact that I felt that so many gave up on me...so many "let me go". The need to control this situation is an overriding factor in my life. Control, must control, because being out of control is, being worthless, aimless and socially negligible.
At any rate, I digress. Even thought the point of blogging is an endless digression of the mind.
The reason I write.. is because I dont sleep. I have energy now.. that I didnt before, but I dont feel focused. I feel fuzzy around the edges.. I cant keep track of appointments as well, my mind isnt automatically constructing the next list for the next objective.
I have no idea if this is good or not. Its not as though I, at any stage of my life, could look back and say...Now that...thats normal...so what am I striving for?
Do I want to unfocused energy, the lack of sleep, but less visions?
Is it ok to jump out of bed as though a bomb went off ?
What is this road I am heading down? What am I looking for? What is this supposed to accomplish?
I suppose at this stage I am not supposed to have the answers. But.. do any of us really have any of the answers?
Im not sure we do.
How terrifying.
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2 comments:
Some of us are wired differently, and we're left feeling like a square peg being driven into a round hole.
"Better living through chemistry" is a slogan that I can get behind. If I take my drugs, and talk to the rapist (therapist) to try to understand how 'normal' people work, and I don't try to force myself to conform to what I think is what other people would want, I don't have to hate myself.
We've all got things in our past - some of them are horrible things that take years to accept.
I recently re-read Stephen King's "the Stand" for about the 15th time, and there are some really good quotes in it. The one that is sticking with me this time is when Mother Abagail says to Larry Underwood (who ain't no nice guy) "And you doin' penance for a life that's long since a closed book"."
I took that to mean that you *can* put paid the past.
You just have to allow it.
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